There's a table that sits in your office hallway. You know which one I'm talking about. The table that your encouraging co-workers leave candies, snacks, and homemade [read: store bought] treats. Yeah. That one.
Everyone in your office knows you as that crazy one who climbs mountains, skydives, rides 100 miles on Saturday mornings before anyone else is awake, or flips tires in the driveway for fun. You know who you are. You're the one who keeps a full meal on your desk at all times, hummus spews from your file cabinets, and you've spilled your coconut water on your keyboard more times than the IT team cares to remember. You're the one who your co-workers come to for a stretching routine and workout advice. Somehow, you're the one who only eats healthy and is held to high standards, never touching the donuts, cake, and Turkish delights on the table.
But you want to.
Every so often, you get that craving for something sweet and unhealthy. Couple that with the feeling of being famished and that spells disaster. When your metabolism kicks in, it brings with it a thunderous clatter. That's your stomach saying "feed me." The athlete must feed early and often. Unfortunately, that carries on day after day. The caloric intake for endurance athletes can be as much as 5000 calories a day, and with that comes a high demand for food. But you can't just eat anything. While calorie-dense, that Choco-taco isn't doing you any favours. Nor are those waffle fries. How much food do you bring to work? Are there any good restaurants nearby to grab a healthy snack? Not always.
Still you are hungry. Still, there are snickerdoodles on the table.
What if you, the champion of heath foods, the slayer of empty calories, the defeater of deep fried yummies, the president of protein shakes, the viceroy of vitamins... are seen by others eating those scrumptious treats on that lovely Styrofoam plate?? The judging eyes of your coworkers wait for you, stalk you, and are ready to call out your fall from grace.
It's 10:43 in the morning and you've already had your yogurt, granola, avocado, oatmeal, water, coconut water, Venti Non-fat, no foam, no water 6 pump (sugar free) extra hot chai tea latte, carrot sticks, and you've already crushed your grilled chicken salad with no dressing that you hoped to save for lunch. The thought of fishing out your emergency can of tuna from your desk invokes a feeling of dejection, even hate for your sport and it dietary restrictions you place on yourself. Instead you take a trip to the water cooler to "walk it off" and while doing so notice on the table an object with a familiar pattern of colour and unmistakable shape.
HOLY MOTHER OF ODIN it's amutherfucking box of Somoa Girl Scout cookies.
Earlier this week you couldn't join the group of your workmates headed out to Memphis BBQ because "you're trying to watch your race weight," so you made sure they all knew about your fad diet and why you couldn't join. When they ordered pizza for the all-hands meeting you were the odd one out eating your half-acre of spinach and butternut squash. Of course, now you can't indulge in the blissful sweetness of the 70 calorie, 3.5 fat grams (2.5 unsaturated), 9 carbohydrate grams, 5 sugar grams per-damned-cookie amazingness....
... in front of others. It's a zero-calorie snack if nobody sees you, right?
The pitfall of this thinking is that the table stands in the populated social center of the office floor. There are printers, cubes, and workstations surrounding this pedestal of sweets like Helms Deep - there's just no way to breach through without being seen! At any given moment there's Connie from Accounting punching holes in TPS reports or Logan from the executive suite talking about his front 9 handicap with Bertie from HR.... not seven feet away from the alter of the precious ring(s).
No, you can't be seen.
Your first pass turns into your scouting expedition. You're Rambo, learning the movements of the guards so you can jailbreak the prisoners without detection... only the prisoners are cookies, and you're not as ripped as Sly Stallone because it's still early in the season.
By 11:25 you've passed by the fiber board table no less than four times, each time feigning interest in someone's theory on quarterly forecasts or filling up your water bottle 3 ounces at a time, but with your eye always on the prize. Then at last, a brief window of opportunity opens when the "guards" walk away to get to the microwave before the lunch rush, and you pounce.
How many do you take? Why didn't you think this through? In your haste, you deftly snap up three Somoas and scurry to the supply room. By now your Garmin would say you're heart rate was approaching high Zone 3 with excitement as you gingerly hold each cookie, the chocolate and caramel slightly melting on your fingertips. High fructose corn syrup hits your tongue like a train and the crackle of the shortbread cookie under the gentle pressure of your teeth floods your brain with endorphin. It is done! Back at your desk you still taste the sweet caramel stuck in your teeth. You escaped the judging eyes and no one will know that the office road warrior cheated the diet, and succumbed to the sugary call of the cookie.
A bit later in the afternoon, your disdain for the table has still grown. Even though you got away with the deed, you still know. Was it worth it?
Of course! It's a Somoa cookie! It's only about a mile a cookie to run off, so get to it. Work it off.
What office treat gets you every time?
Happy training, happy snacking!
Everyone in your office knows you as that crazy one who climbs mountains, skydives, rides 100 miles on Saturday mornings before anyone else is awake, or flips tires in the driveway for fun. You know who you are. You're the one who keeps a full meal on your desk at all times, hummus spews from your file cabinets, and you've spilled your coconut water on your keyboard more times than the IT team cares to remember. You're the one who your co-workers come to for a stretching routine and workout advice. Somehow, you're the one who only eats healthy and is held to high standards, never touching the donuts, cake, and Turkish delights on the table.
But you want to.
Every so often, you get that craving for something sweet and unhealthy. Couple that with the feeling of being famished and that spells disaster. When your metabolism kicks in, it brings with it a thunderous clatter. That's your stomach saying "feed me." The athlete must feed early and often. Unfortunately, that carries on day after day. The caloric intake for endurance athletes can be as much as 5000 calories a day, and with that comes a high demand for food. But you can't just eat anything. While calorie-dense, that Choco-taco isn't doing you any favours. Nor are those waffle fries. How much food do you bring to work? Are there any good restaurants nearby to grab a healthy snack? Not always.
Still you are hungry. Still, there are snickerdoodles on the table.
What if you, the champion of heath foods, the slayer of empty calories, the defeater of deep fried yummies, the president of protein shakes, the viceroy of vitamins... are seen by others eating those scrumptious treats on that lovely Styrofoam plate?? The judging eyes of your coworkers wait for you, stalk you, and are ready to call out your fall from grace.
HOLY MOTHER OF ODIN it's a
Earlier this week you couldn't join the group of your workmates headed out to Memphis BBQ because "you're trying to watch your race weight," so you made sure they all knew about your fad diet and why you couldn't join. When they ordered pizza for the all-hands meeting you were the odd one out eating your half-acre of spinach and butternut squash. Of course, now you can't indulge in the blissful sweetness of the 70 calorie, 3.5 fat grams (2.5 unsaturated), 9 carbohydrate grams, 5 sugar grams per-damned-cookie amazingness....
 |
| My......prrrrreeeeecioussssss..... |
The pitfall of this thinking is that the table stands in the populated social center of the office floor. There are printers, cubes, and workstations surrounding this pedestal of sweets like Helms Deep - there's just no way to breach through without being seen! At any given moment there's Connie from Accounting punching holes in TPS reports or Logan from the executive suite talking about his front 9 handicap with Bertie from HR.... not seven feet away from the alter of the precious ring(s).
No, you can't be seen.
Your first pass turns into your scouting expedition. You're Rambo, learning the movements of the guards so you can jailbreak the prisoners without detection... only the prisoners are cookies, and you're not as ripped as Sly Stallone because it's still early in the season.
How many do you take? Why didn't you think this through? In your haste, you deftly snap up three Somoas and scurry to the supply room. By now your Garmin would say you're heart rate was approaching high Zone 3 with excitement as you gingerly hold each cookie, the chocolate and caramel slightly melting on your fingertips. High fructose corn syrup hits your tongue like a train and the crackle of the shortbread cookie under the gentle pressure of your teeth floods your brain with endorphin. It is done! Back at your desk you still taste the sweet caramel stuck in your teeth. You escaped the judging eyes and no one will know that the office road warrior cheated the diet, and succumbed to the sugary call of the cookie.
A bit later in the afternoon, your disdain for the table has still grown. Even though you got away with the deed, you still know. Was it worth it?
Of course! It's a Somoa cookie! It's only about a mile a cookie to run off, so get to it. Work it off.
What office treat gets you every time?
Happy training, happy snacking!
What office treat gets me every time?
ReplyDeleteUh. I've carefully nurtured a network of scouts to inform me when there is food up for grabs in any of the kitchens around (we aren't cool enough to have a dedicated table. We just have kitchen counters). In fact, our admin informs me when there's food, as she knows with me and my cronies on the case, it won't go to waste.
Also, first time actually responding to one of your blue questions!
Also, I think this post more than makes up for the lack of swag in the last one.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that was testing my capabilities with Paint.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! It puts into a humorous article exactly what I go through every day, even though I'm not a super endurance triathlete. I used to allow myself two cheats a week (cheesecake at the bar? oh yeah...). Now I play the same rule--if no one sees me, then it doesn't count! Haha.
ReplyDeleteTreats that get me 98% of the time: Sour Patch Kids. I'm better at resisting if I have to buy them myself, but if you place a bag of them in front of me, then there is no escape.
Treats that win me over 100% of the time: Fresh out of the oven, hot, homemade chocolate chip cookies. Must be within minutes of the oven birth!